


Beyond

by lookwhatiwrote



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, F/M, Heaven, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, More Angst than I had planned, Past Character Death, Sirius PoV, Slow Build, Smoking
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-08
Updated: 2015-07-08
Packaged: 2018-04-08 09:45:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,373
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4300059
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lookwhatiwrote/pseuds/lookwhatiwrote
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Sirius Black passes through the veil in the Department of Mysteries, he doesn't know what to expect on the other side.</p>
<p>He definitely doesn't expect to be reunited with his friends, see his godson defeat the dark lord, or revisit a relationship he thought was over.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Beyond

**Author's Note:**

> See end of the work for notes.

It felt like he was falling… no, not falling, flying… no, no, that wasn’t right either, it was like that moment before you fall asleep, when dream’s spindly fingers entwine themselves around you and you drift off into nothingness. That’s what the aftermath of Bellatrix’s final curse felt like. 

There were arms around him, cradling him from the impact that comes after a fall. Sirius opened his eyes, no longer afraid to see what was around him, now that he knew there was someone there with him. A pair of familiar hazel eyes stared down at him, crinkled around the edges and accompanied by a wide grin.

“Padfoot.” The arms eased Sirius upwards so that he stood on his own two feet, but he was unable to assist, shock having paralysed him. It was only once he was staring straight at the figure in front of him, memories washing over him like waves on a beach, that he finally had the presence of mind and the movement that enabled him to fling his arms around his brother – in everything but blood – James Potter. 

Later, sitting on an oak panelled staircase that had appeared out of nowhere, surrounded by an expansive, grand, old house, Sirius began to tell James about his son. Lily arrived after a while, evidently torn between wanting to give James and Sirius some time together and the hunger for knowledge about her boy. 

Sirius told them about the brave, brave boy who fought for his friends and for what was right, and who looked like James but had eyes just like Lily’s. He told them about his time in Azkaban and how Harry had saved him; he told them about the Goblet of Fire and paused to let them rant about how irresponsible and dangerous it was to have their little boy, their Harry, participate. 

And then he told them about Voldemort’s return, and the Second Order and their faces grew drawn and pale. He told them about Pettigrew, as much as he could without being overwhelmed with disgust for their former friend. And then, finally, he told them about the Ministry of Magic and the Death Eaters and Harry and his friends and ran out of breath when he got to the curtain and Bellatrix and the last glimpse of Harry and Remus as he fell.

He stopped, and James and Lily didn’t press him to continue, didn’t demand anything. James put his hand on Sirius’ shoulder and they just sat quietly in the grand house, remembering and storing new memories as the shadows lengthened on the floor.

Time passed differently in this place (a place Sirius refuses to call Heaven – if pressed, he calls it the beyond). As nice as it is to reconnect to many people from the original Order – the Prewett’s, even Regulus Black etc. – there are some notable absences which weigh heavily on Sirius’ heart. 

It’s a sad day when Mad-Eye Moody appears on the doorstep of this grand house, and the stories he brings with him about the years between his death and Sirius’ are received with trepidation. James and Lily hang onto every single word about Harry, gasping at his perils and grinning at his triumphs. At the same time, the threat of Voldemort hangs over them almost as ominously as it did before the First Wizarding War. 

The house keeps on growing as more and more people arrive; some people Sirius knows, some he doesn’t. Ted Tonks lets them know about the snatchers and the fallen Ministry. Dumbledore arrived before Moody but he just wanders between rooms, slightly absent and altogether too occupied to answer questions so Sirius doesn’t pay him much attention. 

Fred Weasley is a major surprise when he turns up at the door. He greets Sirius with a half-hearted grin, evidently thinking about his family he has just left behind, but when Sirius re-introduces himself as Padfoot and motions to James as Prongs, he’s pretty sure that the youngster’s face is about to split in two with his smile. He’s instated as the fourth marauder almost instantly.

Sirius tries not to let the absence of their other original marauder affect him. The fact that Remus isn’t here means he’s still alive, even with the battle raging. At the same time, there’s a small selfish part of Sirius that almost wishes that Remus accidently gets hit by a curse. It’s a horrible thought and he tries to chastise himself for it and retreats away from the door. He’s not going to stand in the hallway, waiting and watching for another familiar face to appear in the brightness.

He finds a room, right at the top of the house, where he can sit and try to shut out the noise of the doorbell ringing as someone new leaves the Battle of Hogwarts to come here. The room is small, circular, and there are four beds positioned around the circumference, just like the dormitory where he spent some of the happiest days of his life. 

For the first time since he entered the house, Sirius catches sight of himself in a mirror on the wall. The face that stares back at him is not the one he thought it was – a little gaunt and unkempt, long, greying hair – instead the face is youthful, round and pampered. His nineteen year old self stares back at him and Sirius almost sobs. He hadn’t realised how much he had changed in Azkaban, and the years after. To see himself as who he used to be almost pushes him over the edge – it’s been a long day of waiting and wondering and he’s emotionally exhausted from seeing all the people come through the door.

Footsteps startle him out of his reverie, nearing the doorway of the room he’s in. Sirius doesn’t turn, assuming it’s just James, trying to coax him downstairs to greet some more of the people from the battle.

“Go away, James.” He realises he sounds like a petulant child but Sirius doesn’t care that he’s sulking. He’s allowed to sulk about the fact that one of his best friends, his first boyfriend and one of the reasons he kept going through Azkaban, hasn’t died and ended up at the house yet.

The footsteps traverse the room but Sirius still doesn’t turn. It’s only when a world-weary, scarred, fair-haired face appears in the mirror beside his own that he gasps and turns right into the man behind him.

The kiss is entirely unexpected. The closeness of the two men, chests touching, means that Sirius is caught off balance when he turns. He’s already unsteady on his feet from the shock so he stumbles but Remus catches him under his elbows and holds him fast. It’s almost as easy as breathing to bridge the small gap between their faces and connect their lips. 

It’s only when Remus pulls away, eyes full of regret and sorrow, that Sirius feels something other than euphoria.

“Tonks is downstairs.” With those words, Sirius’ stomach drops. He’s suddenly incredibly angry. Why couldn’t Tonks have stayed alive? Why did she have to follow her husband? Remus strokes a thumb over the furrow that has formed between Sirius’ eyebrows and smiles sadly. He looks old, Sirius notes, too old for his 38 years. Next to him, in his nineteen year old body, Sirius must look like his son or something like that. 

It’s only when they turn back to the mirror, side by side, that Sirius notices Remus’ face subtly changing. His wrinkles and lines are fading, drawing the skin taut over a more youthful face. Remus is watching himself with wide eyes as his face reshapes itself to match Sirius’. His eyes meet Sirius’ through the mirror and they hold eye contact, uncaring of what is happening around them until they get a weird tug in their stomachs and are pulled down the stairs of the building.

They must pass Tonks on the way down, Sirius thinks. He wonders what Remus’ wife makes of his new face. Can you choose your face when you get here? Or do you take on the face of what you looked like when you were most happy? Sirius doesn’t know, but he doesn’t know who to ask so merely allows himself to be invisibly pulled towards a door he hadn’t noticed before.

He and Remus step through, holding the door open for James and Lily who follow them inside. Outside the now closed door, he can hear a lot of shouting and the insipid voice of one Professor Snape. Why did he have to die and sully this lovely utopia that Sirius had? When he finally looks around the room that he has been drawn into, Sirius can’t believe his eyes. He’s inside, and can see the ceiling and walls and door, yet it’s like being in the forbidden forest. What brand of magic is this? It’s something he’s never encountered and yet that doesn’t make him wary of it. This is where he’s meant to be at this very moment. 

Completing his exploratory circle of the room, Sirius turns his eyes on the figure who stands in the centre of the room, the one who must have brought the four of them here. His eyes widen in surprise as he sees Harry – a little more beaten up, a little less scrawny, but still a boy. 

And yet, not a boy. Standing there resolutely, hand clasped around something and holding his wand in the other, Harry looks like a man – defiant and strong, and just like the man James and Lily should have been able to raise him to be. 

Lily was staring at him. Sirius watched as her eyes scanned her son’s face, seeing him for the first proper time. He smiled, watching James as he did the same.

“You’ve been so brave” Lily murmured, looking like she wanted nothing more than to pull Harry, her Harry, into her arms and hold him there forever. James put an arm around her, pulling her close beside him.

“You are nearly there. Very close. We are … so proud of you.” Sirius didn’t realise at first what James was referring to. While he had been moping upstairs before Remus found him, James and Lily must have been talking to Dumbledore or Moody to work out what was going on in the war. 

Sirius knew the prophecy. It was one of the only things Dumbledore had ever spoken about since his arrival. James and Lily hadn’t spoken to him for a long time after finding out that Dumbledore intended for Harry to die. Sirius supposed this must be the moment.

“Does it hurt?” Sirius wanted to reach through the barrier that seemed to separate him and his godson and fend off everyone who wanted to do Harry harm. He didn’t deserve any of this. He didn’t ask for any of this, and yet it was put on his shoulders as a baby and he had been tasked to carry it ever since, right up to this moment.

“Dying?” Sirius asked, heart aching for a young man who had been raised to die to rid the world of evil, “Not at all.” He cast his mind back to his passing, “Quicker and easier than falling asleep.” 

“And he will want it to be quick. He wants it over.” Remus’ voice was close. He stood right next to Sirius, his face far more peaceful than Sirius has seen it during the months before he died. 

“I didn’t want you to die. Any of you. I’m sorry –“ Harry’s voice was like a child’s, and rightly so. He shouldn’t have had to watch his friends and family die. He shouldn’t have had to experience things that not even adults had experienced in their long lifetimes. “—Right after you’d had your son … Remus, I’m sorry –“ Sirius lost track of the conversation, watching Remus’ face as sadness took over from peace. 

Sirius hadn’t known about a son. He could imagine the life Remus would have had, should have had, with his son and his wife and he felt immeasurably guilty for wishing death on Remus. However, unlike orphan Harry, Remus’ son would grow up surrounded by people who would tell him about his parents and look after him. 

Harry was speaking and Sirius turned back to his godson. He could dwell on Remus and his life later. Now it was time to be there for Harry, be strong for Harry, be brave for Harry. They set off through the forest, four invisible bodyguards who would probably curse attackers through the beyond if anyone tried to touch Harry. 

Sirius kept glancing at his friends. James and Lily held hands as they navigated the forest floor, the room allowing them to move seamlessly along behind Harry while never actually moving. Sirius could tell that the reminder of Remus’ son had troubled him. A shadow was cast over the young, familiar face, different from the flickers of the leaves or the moonlight. Sirius could hear voices, death eaters, and his stomach churned. They weren’t supposed to just leave Harry here to die? 

He didn’t see the stone slip from Harry’s fingers. He was too engrossed in staring at the hideous figure of Voldemort across the forest clearing. He heard Lily’s wordless scream and she reached out, trying to grab Harry’s hand but before she could reach him, especially with James holding her back, the forest scene had vanished and the room was blank.

Lily was sobbing into her husband’s shoulder, James’ arms reassuringly wrapped around her. They all filed out of the room, a morose group. Lily lifted her head long enough to navigate the crowd in the hallway and they all caught sight of Dumbledore heading towards the front door.

Sirius didn’t know how he knew but somehow he could sense that Dumbledore was being taken to the door with the same intensity and draw as they had been. He also knew instinctively that Dumbledore was going to be the wizarding St Peter at the gates to greet Harry. Lily must have realised that too because, with a ferocious burst of energy, she pushed through the crowd of arrivals and stormed towards Dumbledore.

“How could you make him die?” she demanded loudly as she drew closer to the old man and Sirius followed James in pursuit, trying to stop Lily from saying what they were all thinking. Out of the corner of his eye, Sirius could see Snape standing with the rest of the group, smirking slightly. Whether he was smirking at Lily’s behaviour, or at the fact that Dumbledore was finally being confronted, Sirius didn’t know and didn’t care either.

“We’re in hard times, yes, but Harry didn’t have to die!” Lily was clutching Dumbledore’s robes and Sirius knew that the betrayal she was feeling was only a more intense version of his own. 

“My dear Lily.” Dumbledore’s voice was soft and penitent, “Harry does not have to die. When I return from talking to him, he will not be with me. He is a brave, clever boy and he will return to Hogwarts. When I return, I will tell you everything.” 

“Let me go with you.” Lily pleaded and James, who had come to stand by her side, nodded. Sirius watched their faces fall as Dumbledore merely shook his head.

“If you come with me, Harry will not want to return to the land of the living.” It made sense and Sirius didn’t want to argue with Dumbledore, for himself or on behalf of his friends. Harry needed to live and if that meant he couldn’t see his godson again, so be it. 

He turned away, unable and unwilling to watch this exchange any longer. His eyes scanned the corridor, searching for one particular person in the throng of people that seemed to be finally diminishing. 

Finally, Sirius caught sight of Remus. He was sitting on the stairs next to a young woman, barely older than Harry. As she and Remus looked up upon hearing his footsteps approaching, Sirius felt a wave of sadness for the girl. Her face was a clear match to the one beside her. The scars were the same, white and severe. His eyes met Remus’ and he nodded. It was clear that this girl was more in need of his presence than Sirius was. 

As he began to weave his way back to his own room, not the high dormitory – he assumed that young boy and the werewolf girl would possibly be making use of that – he bumped into someone.

“Hey! Watch where you’re—“ The voice was irritated but Sirius knew exactly who it was. Even with the awkwardness of her relationship to Remus, Tonks was still his cousin and Sirius still loved her. He swept her into a hug and once again felt incredibly guilty for anything bad he thought against her. His thoughts seemed to be thoroughly contradictory and confusing with regards to anything surrounding Remus. 

He glanced back towards the man in question and when he turned back to Tonks, her expression was all he needed to see. His stomach plummeted as she took his hand and pulled him into a room. 

“We love him differently, you and I, and he loves us both.” Her words surprised him. He was expecting accusations and recriminations. “It was never going to be easy, or the same. He loves me in his own way, but he loved you more. I fixed him after you died but you changed him after he died.” Her words made no sense and yet made perfect sense. Tonks was smart. She may have not been in the house but she had noticed their faces, noticed the faces of all the people here – the way they changed to the time they were happiest. She must have seen her father’s younger visage, or Mad-Eye Moody’s real second eye, whole nose and original leg. Even she had changed. Sirius thought he could see a more mischievous young woman, the type of girl she must have been at Hogwarts. 

Sirius sighed. He didn’t want to be the Snape in this situation, and he was sure neither did she. It would hurt no matter who Remus chose. Sirius couldn’t imagine Remus choosing him anyway – Remus had a life with Tonks, albeit a short one, and a family. All Sirius could offer were the feelings he had felt, and still felt, ever since their final year of Hogwarts. 

Merlin, it was getting complicated. He stepped back, running a hand through his hair. He couldn’t make Remus choose, it wasn’t fair. He also didn’t know who Remus would choose and that was terrifying. He glanced back at Tonks and couldn’t read her expression. There wasn’t a simple solution to this and Sirius couldn’t take it. With one final backwards glance towards Tonks, he slipped out of the door and down the hall away from her, away from Remus and towards solitude.

The euphoria he had felt when Remus had showed up had dimmed, yet not completely disappeared. The joy of having the marauders finally back together with their new addition of Fred Weasley was a cause for celebration. The joy of Harry being alive, which Dumbledore had implied, was a cause for celebration. Sirius and his unhelpful feelings for one Remus Lupin were not cause for celebration. They confused things, changed things. 

James found him hours, or what seemed like hours, later in his claimed room. He was curled up in a chair, staring out of the window that he could change to show what he wanted. Right now, it was raining outside. 

“Padfoot.” James’ voice was hesitant, yet there was something behind it that made Sirius turn to look at him. “Sirius, Harry won. Voldemort’s properly dead, Dumbledore told us everything and Harry’s alive.” It took Sirius a second to conjure up the necessary enthusiasm but once he’d pulled himself out of his melodramatic sulking, he was able to fling his arms around James and hug him. 

Harry was alive. Voldemort was dead. This was no time to be moping. James grinned, looking so much like Harry (and wasn’t that a weird thought) and Sirius couldn’t help but respond. 

“And,” James added, “Dumbledore created this room here which has a mirror, like a pensieve, which shows people you want to see who are alive.” Sirius imagined Lily and James never leaving that room. Perhaps Dumbledore would establish a curfew or a limit on how much time could be spent. Maybe he would have to do it himself if Dumbledore didn’t. Fred Weasley would probably need a limit too, as would Remus and Tonks with their son. 

And now he was back to square one, thinking about Remus. 

“Cheer up mate.” James clapped him on the back, “Now’s not a time for sulking, it’s for celebrating!” And they did celebrate. The entire house, more of a mansion now, was transformed. Fireworks constructed by Fred were whizzing round like missiles through the rooms; the house elves who had perished in the battle were creating a meal – although told they no longer had to do such a thing, most were happy to celebrate in their own way – there were witches and wizards everywhere, dancing and drinking and partying.

Sirius, unlike himself, stayed at the edge of the party. It wasn’t that he wasn’t happy for the end of Voldemort etc. etc. but enjoying himself meant drinking and drinking meant flirty Sirius and in the current situation, flirty Sirius was definitely a bad idea. He didn’t want to make things more awkward between the strange triangle/v-shape relationship of himself, Tonks and Remus. 

He hadn’t seen Remus at all that evening. He’d seen Tonks a couple of times, always with her father, Moody or Fred yet never with Remus. Consequently, Sirius couldn’t seem to focus on anything other than the absence of one of his best friends. Weaving his way through the crowds, he scanned the rooms he passed through for any signs of the familiar mop of blonde-brown hair. He spied Lily and James in the corner of one of the rooms, holding a box full of bottles (which looked like memories). Even with his task at hand, Sirius’ curiosity got the better of him and he sauntered over.

“What’re they for?” he asked, trying to sound casual, and trying not to keep glancing over his shoulder at the rest of the room. Lily looked up at him, tears bright in her green eyes, a smile stretching across her face.

“People here have lent us their memories of Harry. We can give them back but they’ve let us borrow them so we can see him grow up.” Sirius smiled back at her. It amazed him, the kindness of people. With so much darkness in the world, it was good to know that there was goodness in it too, even if some of that goodness was beyond.

Sirius caught James grinning as he glanced around the room again and knew that James knew exactly who he was looking for. It didn’t help that when Sirius returned his grin with a glare, James merely grinned wider. Sometimes Sirius really hated his best friend. Shaking his head and taking his leave, Sirius continued his search around the rooms on the ground floor of the house but had no luck. He thought he saw Tonks watching him suspiciously a couple of times but cast that from his mind. What she thought of him wasn’t important. 

Eventually, he decided to give up and began to climb the stairs up to his room. Then, suddenly, a thought struck him. What if Remus had returned to that small dormitory room, which was so reminiscent of their Gryffindor dormitory, for some peace and quiet? As far as Sirius knew, Remus hadn’t had time to claim a room in the house – what with the drama of the battle. The only room he knew was the dormitory. 

The staircase was a long and arduous climb. It seemed higher up than it had been. Sirius just thanked Merlin that it didn’t move like the ones in Hogwarts. When he finally reached the top, the door to the room was slightly ajar. Sirius took a deep breath and pushed it open. 

Remus was standing, his back to the door, staring into the same mirror that Sirius has been looking at when Remus arrived. However, unlike Sirius, Remus could hear his footsteps and turned to face him. His face was pensive and slightly withdrawn. Sirius slumped internally – if Remus didn’t feel like he could be himself around Sirius, or display his emotions around Sirius – then there was a real problem.

However, instead of deciding to talk about these problems, as Remus was in the habit of doing, he instead surged forward to press his lips against Sirius’. Sirius froze. This was not how he had imagined this meeting going, yet he wasn’t going to complain. For the first time since arriving in this beyond, he didn’t care that he was dead. He wasn’t alone. All he cared about was that Remus and he were nineteen again and kissing like their lives depended on it.

Remus’ lips were soft but there was an intensity to his actions that, in the back of Sirius’ mind, worried him. Remus normally analysed situations, he proceeded with caution; he didn’t just dive in and deal with the consequences afterwards. Sirius knew why he was doing this though. Remus wanted to escape. He didn’t want to make these decisions or hurt anybody. 

As they broke apart to breathe, Sirius suddenly pulled himself back into the present. His back was pressed against the door of the room, pinned to it by Remus. He doesn’t feel nineteen now. He feels thirty-six and too old to do things rashly. Gently, he pushes Remus’ frantic hands away from his hips and looks up at him. He’s sure that his expression of regret and sorrow is an exact mimic of Remus’ after their first kiss beyond. Remus’ hands drop away and he takes a step back. His face has aged back to thirty-eight. Sirius wonders what his own face looks like.

“Remus—“ Remus cuts him off with a wave of his hand.

“I don’t want to talk about it.” His face crumples and his head falls forward to rest on Sirius’ shoulder, “I don’t want to choose. I don’t want to make that decision. I just want to forget I have to.” His voice is slightly muffled against the fabric of Sirius’ shirt but Sirius can hear him perfectly. He sounds wrecked. He feels like Tonks as he smiles and his face shifts back to its nineteen year old visage. Taking Remus’ face between his hands he pulls his head off his shoulder and presses a more delicate kiss to his lips. They’re slower this time, less frantic, less gasping for air.

It’s whispers and caresses and when Sirius finds himself pressed to the sheets of one of the beds he can’t find it in himself to protest. All he can do I respond to Remus’ lips and his movements and allow himself to just enjoy the moment. 

Later, when Remus’ head is pillowed on Sirius’ shoulder and the euphoria that Sirius felt when he first saw him is running through his body like adrenaline, Remus speaks.

“I love you, you know that.” Sirius doesn’t respond. It’s not his time to speak – he has to let Remus voice everything he feels because, from experience, that is what helps Remus reach a solution. “But I also love Tonks, but differently. I don’t know how to explain it. I don’t know what to do about it. All I know is that I don’t want to lose you.” Sirius didn’t know what to say in response to that. Sirius doesn’t know what to do about any of the mess that they are in. All he knows is that he wants to stay here, in this tiny bed, with Remus wrapped in his arms forever.

But forever isn’t like that and eventually you have to get up and continue on with life, or death, as it were. 

The party is still in full swing when Sirius re-joins the rest of the people. Someone has found a bottle of firewhiskey in one room and the raucous chatter is too much for him to deal with. Remus hasn’t followed him downstairs. After they had climbed out of the tiny bed and re-dressed, he had said he needed time to think and needed to be alone; all the clichés. Sirius tries not to let it worry him but it does nevertheless. 

Maybe it’s his dishevelled hair that gives it away, maybe it’s the fact that Sirius thinks he might have buttoned his shirt up wrong, but whatever it is, when Tonks comes storming over to him, Sirius knows that she knows what has just happened. 

In a manner very reminiscent of the last time they talked, Tonks drags him into a room off one of the party rooms and just stands watching him as he closes the door. Sirius almost says one hundred different things but stops himself before they leave his mouth because none of them would make anything about this situation any better.

“I used to think I was a new chapter of his life.” Tonks starts, staring bitterly at a point just above his head, “But I’m not, am I? You’re the whole damn book and I’m the epilogue. _They both lived out the short rest of their days in a cottage with a baby they would never see grow up._ ” she mocked, laughing sarcastically. Sirius flinches at her words. The metaphor is harsh, but partially true. It’s the second time in such a short space of time that he doesn’t know how to respond. He wants to say that Remus loves her, that he was genuinely _in love_ with her, but he can’t because he’s not Remus Lupin. Someone can be in love with two people, can’t they? It was certainly possible.

“I love him too, Tonks.” That, at least, he could say. “I can’t turn that off or not do anything about it.” His voice is hoarse, even to his ears. He steps forward, hands raised pleadingly. “What do you want me to do?”

“Not be in love with him!” She hisses, rounding on him. If he didn’t know better, he could have sworn he saw sparks shoot out of her eyes. She slumps, pressing her hands to her temples, “I’m sorry. That was harsh. I've had a really rough day – you know, dying and all…” 

Sirius shrugs. He fully understands how draining that must be. 

“You want to talk about it?” Taking hold of her shoulders, he pushes Tonks into an armchair. She could rebuff him if she wanted but something tells him that she’s quite like him, in terms of temperament, and she may very well want to talk about her crazy day.

“Phew…” She puffs out a breath, “Where do I start?” Her laugh is hollow though and she looks down at her hands, around the room, anywhere but at him. “First I'm fighting. I’m fighting for Harry, for the Order, for Remus and Teddy and then…poof!... Remus is dead and then I'm dead and I don’t even know where this place is or what happened and…” She’s gasping for breath and Sirius has to take hold of her shoulders to distract her and force her to breathe.

Her eyes are panicked when she looks at him.

“I don’t even know how I died. I don’t know who killed me or how.” In a scene reminiscent of Remus’ behaviour in the dormitory (everything seemed to mirror everything in this strange time) Tonks leaned forward and rested her head on Sirius’ shoulder, “I’ll never get to see my son grow up. I’ll never hear him call me mum.” She broke down again and Sirius glanced over his shoulder at the door and pulled out his wand. With a quick whispered spell, he sat and waited as Tonks cried. 

Presently, there came a knock at the door and light spilled in from the room behind it.

“Sirius?” Lily’s voice was soft and gentle, becoming even more so when she saw Tonks, “Sirius, leave her with me now.” Sirius sighed in relief and bent his head slightly to talk to Tonks.

“Lily’s here. She knows what you’re going through. Lily’s here.” 

Relieved to know that Tonks was in safe hands, and also relieved that their argument didn’t go too far, Sirius stepped back and slipped out of the door and back into a crowd of people. No one had noticed his absence and no one noticed his reappearance, bar James, who instantly appeared beside him and dragged him away. Merlin, he was being dragged around a lot today. 

He was led along the corridor and into another room, thankfully his own, and pushed down into his chair before James said a word. When he was seated, Sirius looked up at his best friend and raised an eyebrow.

“What’s going on, Prongs?” James just grinned and Sirius sighed internally. James had really been celebrating. Well, he supposed James was allowed to, considering his son did just save the entire Wizarding and Muggle worlds from Voldemort.

“You’ve been conspicuously absent the entire evening and so has Remus. _What’s going on, Padfoot?_ ” James parroted. Sirius shouldn’t have been surprised – James’ inebriation levels always made him, annoyingly, both more observant and loquacious. The surprising part was that he didn’t think he’d seen James drunk since their marauder days, and that was at least 19 years ago, even though they still both looked the same. 

“Nothing.” Sirius replies, slightly too emphatically, running his hands through his hair. James smirks – goddamn smirks – and raises an eyebrow. “Look, I’m still figuring stuff out here – it’s not easy when the guy you’re in love with is married.” James’ expression changes instantly, his joking smirk slips into a concerned frown and his hand comes down to rest comfortingly on Sirius’ shoulder. 

“I’m sorry, mate.” Sirius scoffs, “No, I really am. I don’t know what that’s like, but I know you and Moony will work it out.” He receives a shrug for his words. Sirius doesn’t know anymore. He’d love to just whisk Remus away from his wife but he just couldn’t. It wouldn’t be right.

“I’m dead, James.” This is the first time he fully admits it, fully says the words out loud. Maybe talking to Tonks made him realise that he needs to say this, in some capacity. “I’ve been dead two more years than Remus and while I've waited, he moved on. He’s allowed to. Merlin, I probably would have done too. That’s why I can’t do anything. They got married during a war – I mean, who does that apart from people who love each other that much?” 

It was almost cathartic, saying the words out loud. Sirius didn’t know he even meant them until his brain was supplying them and they were tripping off his tongue. 

“Desperate people might.” Sirius jerks his head up, the other voice clear yet soft in the room. James pats him on the shoulder once before slipping quietly through the door and closing it behind him. “People who marry in the heat of the moment because any day might be their last. It may not last – it probably wouldn’t have done – but it was happiness in dark times.” Remus steps forwards from a corner of the dark room, face illuminated by the cigarette he lit moments before. Sirius chuckles humourlessly.

“Everyone always said I was the rebel – Bad Boy Sirius Black. What would they say now if they could see Prefect Remus Lupin, the sensible marauder, smoking a cigarette and eavesdropping in a darkened bedroom?” Remus smiled but the light didn’t quite reach his eyes.

“And what would they say about rebellious Sirius Black who, for once, isn't planning on stealing someone away from another relationship because he wanted them?” Touché. Sirius stood, amused by the teasing that slipped easily from both their lips in lieu of the more serious topic they seemed to skirt around. They pause, silence filling the room. Sirius doesn’t actually know what he wants to hear. Does he want Remus to tell him that Tonks was never him and she was just a distraction? Or does he want to hear that Remus was genuinely happy after his death?

“I loved her, Sirius. You were gone and I had no one to turn to and I loved her.” Remus was the first to break the silence, “But I love you more. I thought I would never see you again and that broke me. She was kind and made me feel more like myself again after I was shattered but it was never the same. I felt like dying when I was with you and I felt like dying when I wasn’t and it’s crazy that I'm dead and we’re already figuring this out.” Remus’ laugh sounds almost like a cough and Sirius is on his feet, holding a hand out for the cigarette. He can’t count the number of times he’s made this gesture, but he can count on one hand the number of times that Remus actually gives him the cigarette. This is not one of those times. 

Remus takes a drag and exhales, the air around him taking on the tinge of peppermint and chocolate. Sirius relaxes – they’re not muggle cigarettes. Time seems to lengthen as Remus takes another drag and slowly puffs out the smoke. Neither of them speak. 

“Where do we go from here then?” Sirius eventually asks, feeling high on cigarette smoke and hope.

“I don’t know.” Remus replies, “I’m happy to follow your lead.” Sirius takes a tentative step forwards, and then another, until their bodies are flush against each other. 

Their lips touch and Sirius can feel his body relaxing, leaning into the kiss like a starving man reaches for food. Their thoughts quickly drift from Tonks and relationships and tomorrow and focus on hands moving and breaths gasping and frantic touches in the darkness of the beyond.

**Author's Note:**

> All lines from the Resurrection scene are taken from Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows.  
> © J.K. Rowling and Bloomsbury
> 
> The house I was using as my reference from the beginning is the house in Nanny McPhee but with a more dark oak design, instead of crazy colours. 
> 
> My headcanon actors for Sirius, Remus, James and Lily are the popular fancast ones: Ben Barnes for Sirius, Andrew Garfield for Remus, Aaron Taylor-Johnson for James and Karen Gillen for Lily but please feel free to picture your own. 
> 
> I hope you enjoyed this - it was only supposed to be a 1k fic and then ran away with me a bit.


End file.
